Edward's Woes And Emmett's Toes
by hogwartshoodlum
Summary: When Edward can't calm his racing mind while he is alone with Bella, it leads to their "private time" being cut short. And now, the cause of it, Emmett, must die. Canon pairings.


Even if Jasper hadn't gone with them. Even if Alice probably already knew what had happened. Even if it wasn't for Esme's motherly instincts and Carlisle and his spot on empathy. I guess the only person that wouldn't pick out the incredible tension in the room as soon as they walked in would be Emmett (and probably Rosalie, but she wouldn't care even if she did). And I was right. The second that they hit the yard, Esme has her arms around me (which makes me feel a little awkward at this point if I'm going to be honest with myself) and Alice is stroking my hair. I can feel the waves radiating from Jasper just as predicted, but I'm in no mood to accept them. (try as I might to keep them off).

"I have every right to be upset, Jasper," I whisper, sure that he'll hear the hiss that follows even if not intended at him.

"What's wrong baby?" Esme coos as Carlisle's hands find my shoulders. (Now I feel dirty, just dirty, and I don't want to make them feel bad by shrugging them off. Carlisle senses it, his hands leave my shoulders and he places them instead on Esme who leans back into him. He's really too good for his own good sometimes)

"He doesn't want to talk about it," Alice says and shys away as I flash her a warning stare. I know that she doesn't mean to (and I'll have to probably buy her another new car later to make up glaring at her) but sometimes she's just a little nosy.

"No, I don't." I say, attempting to stand up from the couch before Emmett and Rosalie amble their way in as well, but there's suddenly four sets of hands on me (hands I'd gladly rip off if they were not attached to my loved ones bodies) and I'm shoved back down onto the seat.

"You worry me when you get like this, Edward," Esme says (unintentionally playing the guilt card) and I now feel extremely guilty at not feeling free to talk to her. This time, I accept Jasper's attempt to rid me of those feelings. I hate making Esme worry.

"You don't have to tell us what's wrong, son," Carlisle says, (sometimes his voice is even enough to make me feel like revealing all of my secrets, but this is not something I want to discuss with my parents) "but at least let Jasper calm you. There's no harm in letting him calm you down so you can think about whatever it is logically."

"Yeah," (Great. Emmett's finally made it) "he's just short of the world's best form or Prozac."

"He's not short of anything," Alice says, crossing to place a loving kiss on Jasper's stone face. For a minute I feel deserted as his attention is turned to something else

_Come on, Edward. Can we please talk about this so I can...is that her hand...oh my God...sorry Edward...God I love when she holds me like..._

I'm not going to listen to him. Probably not for the rest of the day. Or maybe ever again. I shudder as I think about where this is going to, where it always leads, and Esme's hands are on me again. She unnecessarily places a blanket over my shoulders, (that mother thing. She probably thought I was cold instead of just creeped out) and I have to smile when I look at her.

"Is your human still here?" Rosealie asks as she sniffs the air. I'm sure now that they've realized that her scent is recent, stronger than it has ever been, but that she's not one of the hands around my sides.

I shake my head. It's the only answer (she deserves) I'm prepared to make. If I open my mouth at this point, it may all come spewing out, and I still don't think I want to have this conversation in front of my adoptive parents.

"Do you need to hunt? I could go back out with you," Esme says as she places a hand on my throat. She'll be the death (re-death, annihilation, destroyer) of me one of these days.

I shake my head again. She deserves an answer, before the worry begins to eat her away, but what do I say to my _mother_ about what just happened?

"Come on dear," Carlisle says as he attempts to lift Esme off of me. "He obviously needs some time to himself. He knows where we are if he needs anything." Esme reluctantly follows Carlisle to his den where I'm sure she continues to pace and listen at the door.

I look over and realize that somewhere in the exchange, Jasper and Alice have also disappeared, but there is no way I'm going to try to find them. They can just be wherever they are and stay out of my head, thanks.

Emmett slams down on the couch next to me, actually making me jump a bit as he shifted the cushions with his enormous weight. "Dude, can you hand me the remote?"

I roll my eyes as I hand it over. I don't know why I didn't just leave. I wanted so badly to just disappear and never been seen again, but I also didn't know quiet how to handle the situation alone. I place my hands on my head as the thoughts, that were only my own, became too much. (and that's saying something)

"Dude...." Emmett says, and I look up (I couldn't help myself) at the thought that he was actually being perceptive. It was short lived. "I asked for the remote. This is your cell." His eyebrows raise in that stupid way I hate, (OK, I can't say it normally bothered me, but right now it was the bane of my existence), and he tosses my phone back to me before getting up and getting the remote on his own. He turns on the television, which unfortunately pops up with the scene of two lovers embracing, and that's when I know I can't handle it any longer. I stand to leave, not able to bear this scene for one more second, and that's when I feel his hand grab my arm and firmly shove me back down. I'm pretty sure I hear the couch crack a bit under the strain.

"Before you go mope in your room for the better part of a millenia," (he says like he knows me), "is there anything that I can offer to get you out of whatever funk you've found this week? Cause I was thinking of taking a quick run down to Vegas this weekend, and I need you, bud."

"Emmett!" Rosealie says, turning quickly as she returns from changing in their bedroom, (I mistakenly thought she would stand up for me, what the HELL was wrong with me) "you are not going back to Vegas this weekend. I have plans for us, and you'll be here." As always, it was not so much a request as a demand and I thanked my lucky stars, or whatever higher power had long ago forsaken me, that he had at least seen it in his wisdom to help me dodge that bullet.

"OK, whatever babe." God, he was whipped.

_Yeah, bud, but for an ass like that... _

It wasn't like he could read my mind. Emmett would be the first one to admit that he was whipped and he knew that everyone thought it. He, actually sickeningly, seemed proud of it.

"Actually," I say, turning to him, my eyes burning with the fury at the afternoon which now had an outlet, "it's your fault I'm in this 'funk', as you so poetically put it."

Emmett looks at me, I can see the fight growing in his eyes at my words and momentarily I considered just kicking his ass over it. I might actually feel better. "Oh yeah? How do you figure? I haven't even been here."

I look over at Rosalie, knowing that above all I did not want to admit my defeat in front of her, but also knowing that there was no one in this house that wouldn't know anyway, and took a deep breath. "I," I couldn't say it. Not with her staring me down like that. I flash my furied glance her way, hoping (stupidly) that she'd get the hint, but in the regular Rosalie style, she made herself comfortably on the nearest chair. "Bitch," I growl under my voice, (in a very non-regular Edward style) and she finally seems to catch on, but all she does is smile sickeningly as she crosses her legs.

"Spit it out man. Wait a minute," he looks around, obviously sniffing the couch were he, and earlier, she, had sat. "you didn't kill Bella did you?"

God, he was taking insensitivity to a new height, even for him. I closed my eyes, _one, two, three_.

"If you need help getting rid of the body man, you only had to ask," He had to have heard the growl rumbling in my chest, _four, five, six_.

"Did you at least get some before you," I forgot how to count. I forgot how to behave. I hear Esme groan in disappointment as I slam Emmett through the couch and shred up the hard wood floor of the living room.

_Oh, Edward. I really liked that one_.

"It was your Golden boy, this time, mom. Not me," Emmett says as he calls up the stairs to Esme, as if he knew that she was listening.

"Emmett, be nice to your little brother. He's having a hard day."

Emmett just gawks at me, "_You_ break the couch and _I_ get in trouble? Typical." He lowers his hand and offers to help me off the floor, but (maybe my pride decided) I don't take it.

After brushing my clothes off, I decide it was probably safer for the furniture if I remain standing. (Especially since the couch had released her smell into the air as it collapsed, as if to torment me).

Emmett walks over to Rosalie and sits on the floor between her legs, placing his head against her knee. It was truly disgusting how perfect they were for each other sometimes.

"So you didn't kill her, you didn't eat her, and you didn't fuck her," (did he not _ever_ learn?!) "so, why is she gone and it's only...." he references the watch on Rosalie's wrist, (Alice learned long ago to not buy him expensive jewelry since it just ended up lost or broken) "4:30 in the afternoon?"

"It's sort of a long story," and one that I don't necessarily think everyone needs to hear.

"Ed, bro, seriously," he looks at me, again with the stupid eyebrows, "where do you think I'm going?"

"He's just doing it for attention again," Rosalie says as she plucks a leaf from Emmett's cap.

"Come on, babe," he says, but I can see that he's tempted to laugh.

"Can we go for a walk?" I finally say, not sure where I want to go (or why I'd want to go with him) but I just can't stand her stupid face any longer.

"Sure man. Do I need to bring a witness?" He smirks as he stands up. Rosalie grabs onto his hand and suddenly I'm hit with a barrage of images I could have forever, and I mean forever, done without.

_Rosalie's mouth on Emmett's.....his hands on her....his fingers in her......and her riding him to the point of explosion...._ God I want to kill her.

She just smiles at me as she plants a kiss on his bicep. I think I just might kill her.

"So, what's the big deal, Eddie?" Emmett says, knowing that everything that he's just said is so wrong, as we run from the house. I make sure that _I'm_ out of range for hearing before I even offer to talk. The running feels good, at least it's something that I'm good at.

"Everything," I say, not sure exactly what I want to tell him, even knowing that if there was one person that I would talk to about this, it would be Emmett, "everything about today, was wrong. It just went so wrong. And the worst part is, it could have been so good."

He stops, obviously catching on to the gravity of what has happened (maybe). "You and Bella?" All I can do is nod. "So, she...."

"No, actually. It was my fault." I sigh, knowing that it's going to feel so good to finally tell someone (even as embarrassing as it may be) and maybe even get a little of the frustration out.

"You couldn't....."

"No, no, that's, that wasn't...." if a vampire could blush.

"Why don't you start at the beginning?"

I took a deep breath, (unnecessary, but oh so fulfilling).

"OK. I'll start you off." Emmett said, leading me over to a fallen tree (always the big brother, even if he was an ass). "So you were having Bella over, that's why you didn't come hunting with us." I just nodded. "OK. So, were you planning to...?"

"No. No. Of course not. I've told her that I want to wait until the honeymoon, you know how it is. We were actually just planning to watch a movie, enjoy the day off, be together." He was nodding, but at least his expression was genuine. I felt a little bit better. Maybe he realized that I really needed a brother right now. He normally could.

"OK. So you put on the movie..."

I nod again, knowing that it would all just come flying out once I could think of the right words.

He sat, thumping his fist on the log as he waited. He knew it would come too.

"So we're watching the movie," I began.

"Something you've picked or her?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Just trying to get a visual."

"She picked it. Anyways," I glare at him, hoping that he sees that he can't interrupt like that. "suddenly, her hands....well....she's not so keen on the idea of waiting sometimes," once again I look down but he seems to understand. His patience is starting to annoy me (I really don't think there's any way I'm not going to stay mad at him today).

"OK," he's suddenly smiling and I want to punch his teeth out. "so her hands are....and you popped wood." I think sometimes he's blatantly disgusting just to irritate me.

"I wouldn't be so crude but that's the basic mechanics of it."

"You keep talking like that, Ed, and you'll never get laid." I'm thinking the same about him as he says it, but it, at least for now, looks to be true since no one has ever....I shudder as the memory of Rosalie's images return. _OK, so now we know you're not dead everywhere, so what's the problem?_

"Well, suddenly, she's talking about the film, like she had never intended to have....you know....done that," he interrupts me again, adding another point to his reason he's on my list.

"Dude, she's probably just sick of hearing you say 'no' all the freakin' time." He must have seen the fire building again because he sits back. "OK. Sorry. I know, you're being 'noble' or whatever you call it."

"I can't talk to you about this," I say getting ready to run home, but he's right there to keep me down. Damn his strength sometimes.

"I'm sorry. Come on. Sit your ass back down."

I glare at him, but I really do need to get this off my chest so I sit back down.

"OK. So now, I'm not so sure that she'll be very happy if she rolls over or something and realizes that I'm, well you know," _pitching_, "erect." I finish as he places his own version of events into my mind. "I decide that I've got to do something, quickly, to get rid of it before she realizes,"

"Unless she says something or grabs it first right?" This time I shove him off the log into the underbrush.

"I'll ask you to not speak about my Bella like she's some sort of a prostitute."

"They're called 'hookers' now Ed, but continue."

One deep breath, (and another ten count) later, and I continue. "So I start thinking of things, anything, that's going to help me to....calm down." He nods and it's clear that he thinks I'm a fool, that he can't believe I just let it go to waste.

"Baseball? War? That sort of thing?"

I nod. "Everything that I could think of that wasn't intercourse related." I cannot believe I just said that.

"I can't believe you just said that," Emmett said, dropping his head and shaking it. "OK, so you're thinking of a boner killer....and did it work?"

Once again, I'm amazed at the vocabulary that he has picked up, and that there can be anything left (which I'm sure he knows plenty, but I'm not going to be the one to get him started) for him to call it. "Well, no. It didn't. And then, suddenly, it was too late. Her hand found her way back to my lap, on it's way to look for my hand, and she....brushed it." Once again, if I could, ten shades darker than maroon.

"Nice," he says, and his mind races over all of the things that I'd never even dared to think about.

_Bella's mouth on my....my hands on her.....my fingers in.....her riding my hips to the point of explosion..._

Once again, he's a dead man. Twelve trees are felled in my attack. A small price to pay for the scars I'm sure that my teeth will leave on his neck. But even as I rip into his flesh, knowing just where he's going to go to get away from my barrage, I feel the vision beginning to take effect on my lower regions, and it's when I see the perverted smile on his face that I realize that he's felt it too. One last punch to the face and I'm forced to get off, to avoid further embarrassment.

"OK, OK. Sexual frustration out," he says as he picks himself off the forest floor. "so did she?"

I'm done with this conversation. The fact that I can't even make him breath heavy, the fact that he won't bleed under my finger nails, it's all annoying as he's the cause of all of this after all.

"No."

"Come on, Edward. Don't be all pissy," he says as he realizes that I'm walking away.

"In fact, she wanted to, would have, was in the process of...." I thought back over the afternoons events, Bella's eyes dilating as she realized that I was, in that sense, ready for her, the movie's continued soundtrack in the background as she turns to carefully straddle my hips, the warmth of her center warming me like nothing has been able to before, her lips on mine, melting into me as her hands explore my chest. And than it happened. After all the trying, all the demanding, of my erection to just go away quietly and it's now that my mind comes up with something that will not only cure me of my affliction, but make Bella's face drop like that when she realizes that it's gone. (and believes that it's her fault that it is).

Just for good measure I take another swing at his stupid smile, even if this time he's ready for it and catches it. I know he's not suspecting the other hand and so it swings up to catch him anyways.

"You wanna tell me what I've supposedly done to earn such attention?"

"Nothing was working, Emmett. Not war, not famine, not pestilence. Not all of the death and dismemberment I've seen in my life. Not the fear in the eyes of my victims before I bled them dry....nothing. Nothing. Until you. You and your stupid feet!"

I duck down to pull his legs out from under him, landing him roughly on the forest floor. "And you're going to be the one to tell, and if you have to, show, Bella why I couldn't."

"That's ridiculous, Edward. There's nothing wrong with my feet."

"Actually, baby," Rosalie says, her nose turned up, as she appears from the forest, followed by the rest of the clan. He gets up and goes over to her, looking like a struck puppy as they continue their conversation.

"What are you doing here," I ask Alice, as if I don't already know.

"It wasn't me this time, I swear," she says and I can still see the hurt left from my glare before. "We could hear the forest coming down and that's when Esme decided we had better come make sure that you didn't expose us. I didn't even mention that it looked like you might be killing Emmett."

"You wouldn't come even though I was?"

She just smiles that cute little pixy smile that melts my heart. "Well, I figured that he might just deserve it this time," she blushes slightly. "Whatever he did that had stopped, _that_ from happening, " luckily Alice showed at least she had disclosure. "She doesn't think it was her, well, anymore." Alice says and I wonder sometimes if she couldn't read mind herself. "She'll be back. And you'll both get your chance." She pats my nose with her small finger before walking back over to Jasper.

Esme takes in the damage and then smiles at me as she shakes her head. "Is it out of your system now, love?" she asks as she placed a motherly hand around my waist and layed her head on my shoulder.

"Yeah," I smile. I couldn't help it. "For now."

"But Rose," Emmett was whining as he walked back towards the house. "It's just not possible. I mean, come on, I'm a vampire for crying out loud."

_Say it so that everyone in Forks can hear you, why don't you?_ Jasper moans as he takes Alice in his arms.

"Baby, I know. And I don't know how you've done it. You may be the only vampire in the world with feet that nasty."

Emmett stops, thinking for a second about being hurt by her remark. "Wait, only one in the world? That's a good thing right."

"Sure baby," she says as she looks over her shoulder and glares at me. I smile, acknowledging that I will stay out of her mind so that she can think whatever she wants and say just the opposite. Cause, let's face it, we all know that she's lying. But no one is going to say it. Emmett is, after all, a pretty big guy. And, smelly ass feet or not, a pretty good big brother.


End file.
